VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
