my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
