I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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