You smell like stripper and shame
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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