textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
