I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
