i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Randomize
