Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
