i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
