so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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