he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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