where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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