I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
