I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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