Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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