Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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