i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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