I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
