Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Less talking, more tequila
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
