plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
