Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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