bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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