My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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