I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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