What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
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Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
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I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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