I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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