i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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