i just sent this text using only my big toe
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
