there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
