God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
