i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
