i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
