1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
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