and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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