I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
