and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
