He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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