I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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