If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
