Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
