May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
