Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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