and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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