Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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