My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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