im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize