My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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