There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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