I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
