whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
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