rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
