by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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