I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
