So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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