I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
