I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
