I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
so much tequila, so little girl.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
