I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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